


Princess

by Rona23



Series: Merlin´s  magic [38]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Arranged Marriage, Arthur Finds Out About Merlin's Magic (Merlin), Arthur Knows About Merlin's Magic (Merlin), BAMF Merlin (Merlin), Eventual Fluff, Fluff, Gen, Good Uther Pendragon (Merlin), M/M, No seriously you're going to love him in this one, OOC Uther Pendragon, Pansexual Character, Pining Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Prince Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Protective Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Protective Merlin, Rejection, Relationship Advice, Romantic Fluff, Royal Merlin (Merlin), Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Merlin (Merlin), Transphobia, Uther Pendragon's A+ Parenting (Merlin), badum tsss, not really a rejection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:28:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26950681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rona23/pseuds/Rona23
Summary: Merlin has secrets.Some of them more obvious than others.But when his family comes to town, declaring him their royal daughter and Arthur's fiance.... things get a little out of his control.Good thing Uther Pendragon isn't as much of a horrible king as you'd expect.Warning: Mentions of transphobia, and good Uther Pendragon lmao.Also Merlin has some personal issues about periods.A.N.:// The title is ironic. Because that's what Gwaine calls Arthur at the beginning.... and the end. But you'll see.
Relationships: Gwaine & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin & Uther Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Ygraine de Bois/Uther Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: Merlin´s  magic [38]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1588378
Comments: 30
Kudos: 488





	Princess

**Author's Note:**

> A.N.:// About Merlin's character
> 
> Not all women have periods. Not all men don't.  
> Merlin certainly has them. Though it's more or less implied rather than actively talked about.  
> (Merlin can - however - control them through his magic a little. Which is not accurate, to those of you who don't know. :) But merlin is special in many ways.)
> 
> Magic is used as a replacement for hormones as well. And Merlin transitioned with it's help. (He is a trans man / ftm / Afab.)  
> However, he also underwent top surgery. Which is something Gaius and Merlin worked out together. Also a mix of Gaius experience as court physician and Merlin's magic.  
> Gaius invented hormon injections for Merlin.  
> (His magic worked as hormon blockers for a while. To actively change his body, he needed the injections.)
> 
> \----------------------
> 
> I also want to note that my knowledge about these topics aren't zero, but they are limited. I did a lot of research. And I tried to position myself into the situation of Merlin and Ygraine sperately. As their experiences are very different. 
> 
> It's a story designed to understand how gender dysphoria and receiving transphobic comments feel.  
> I will say now, that it's totally possible that the feelings written here are exaggerated and/or romanticised and may not reflect what it actually feels like at all. Or they do and I'm just insecure.  
> Either way. You are valid as a person. No matter what is written here.  
> And let me know, if I did something extremely inaccurate or anything like that. I will either make a following chapter, where I will address my mistakes. Or I will take the story down.  
> Thank you in advance for respecting that I am only human as well :)  
> These topics are important to me. And I want to get them right.

It wasn't warm, where he slept. Not really. He could feel the ground underneath the small mat he was sleeping on. It smelled like the fire that the last watch kept lit.  
It smelled like dry leafs and burned socks.  
(After spending weeks with the knights – Merlin could tell which socks belonged to who, based on the burned smell alone. These were definitely Gwaine's.)  
Someone was cursing under their breath. 

Merlin rolled back into himself. He could feel an annoying pain in his abdomen coming up. It felt sharp, like his insides were trying to stab him. Which was never a fun feeling to wake up with.  
Merlin must say, he would have preferred a knife causing the pain. At least that wouldn't have been his own body turning against him. 'Already?', he thought and grimaced in his sleep. 

He took a deep breath and muttered something into his blanket. Eyes closed, so nobody could hear what he said or see the gold flashing through his irises.  
He willed he pain away. As he always did this time of the month. He willed the REASON for his pain away. His magic allowed him that. His magic made it leave. Eased it.  
He knew more than enough people who would be jealous of this ability. He himself was more than thankful for it. Especially, since he knew he was the only person on the entire planet who could actively control his body like this.  
This ability was like a dream. Privy only to him.

It didn't help with the fact that he had to deal with it at all. Just another reason to stay in bed. Not face the others while he was bound to feel sick about himself. Ashamed.  
Not because of the pain itself or what caused it. No. The reminder of what it meant was what made him feel so depressed.  
He felt distanced from the men around him. His lies about his magic were bad enough. He didn't like that the one thing he WASN'T lying about here, was something that most people wouldn't understand.

Anyway. His head still felt light – undernourished. Which wasn't much of a surprise either.  
Merlin didn't eat nearly enough. He should probably check his reflection to see if the veins underneath his eyelids were still visible.  
He really didn't want to repeat what happened last time they were white.  
It was neither helpful nor funny to collapse in the middle of a hunting trip. 

Without magic, Merlin probably wouldn't be able to feel this calm right now. Calm and warm and not at all frightened by the pain that he was far too familiar with. He was too used to it. 

“Wake up!”  
Merlin curled in on himself even further. How long did he sleep last night? Longer than usual, apparently. His magical senses had – for once – not warned him of any threats surrounding their camp and so he was able to sleep soundly. He felt a comfort rarely felt during these trips.  
Which is why he DIDN'T want to wake up right now. 

“PRINCESS, WAKE UP!”  
Merlin shot up in his cot. Eyes widening in horror, as he searched for the voice so close to his ears.  
Gwaine blinked at him.  
There was a moment of silence, both surprised to see the other so surprised.

Merlin was breathing heavily, shoulders raised, ready to run. For just one moment, Merlin felt his heart stop inside his rib cage. He hadn't even noticed how his hand was already there in an instinctive reaction. Trying to either calm his heart down, or check if he was still himself. 

“Merlin, sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up. I wanted to get this idiot to get up and help us with breakfast. How the hell do you do this every day?”

Merlin's eyes snapped down to Arthur, who was lying half on his own cot, half on Merlin's, snoring like a wild animal.  
Merlin relaxed instantly, took another deep breath, and then blinked. And then instinctively shoved Arthur away. As far as possible.  
He didn't like to be touched at this time of the month.

“You were trying to wake HIM to make breakfast ….not me?”

Gwaine opened his mouth – then closed it again. Then, with a mix of shame and embarrassment, he shook his head. Then nodded – unsure what he was supposed to say.  
So he was hiding something after all. 

“You do realize what an awful cook he is, right?”, Merlin asked with raised eyebrows. Just like Gaius taught him. The old physician would be proud. 

“Don't tell ME that. He ordered me to do it!”, Gwaine said and kicked the sleeping beauty in the thigh. 

Merlin sighed and threw his blanket away from himself. He was still clean. He knew he was clean. But it was still a relief to see that he was. He was the only person in the entire world who could control this. With magic, but still. It would definitely drain his magic reserves though.  
Not that Gwaine knew. Gwaine only thought he had betrayed Arthur's strange secret that Merlin really didn't have a mind for right now.

“Kick him again. That'll wake him up eventually. I'll go make breakfast, before he wakes up to burn down the forest.”

Gwaine chuckled, while Merlin stood up slowly, his mind fully set on wherever his blood would be rushing next. It wasn't his first hunting trip where this had happened. And it certainly wasn't the first hunting trip that he wanted to abandon right from the get go.  
But he always preferred the easier ones.  
The less bloody ones, if you so will. Merlin meant didn't just mean the unnecessary murder of innocent animals.  
He also meant his own period. 

He magicked the blood away as much as possible, while he tried to make breakfast.  
As long as nobody noticed – he would be fine.

\---------------------------------------------------------

“He looks pale.”, Gwaine said, after he had finally managed to kick Arthur awake.  
Arthur had been groaning and cursing under his breath and slapped Gwaine for waking up Merlin instead of him.  
They were both watching Merlin. Who seemed out of it. Not unusual. But it was one of his more confused and irritable moments.  
They couldn't know that Merlin was currently working on two tasks at once, while also fearing that anyone would either find out that he had magic... or what he was currently using it for. 

“He's always pale.”, Arthur muttered back, but silently agreed.  
“I don't understand it – he seemed much more hungry than usual yesterday. He slept long enough... And yet he's as clumsy as ever. If not worse. It doesn't make sense.”, Gwaine commented and again, Arthur nodded. 

“There goes your plan to make him breakfast. Honestly, I told you you should take the last watch!”, Gwaine scolded him.  
“I was tired!”  
“He's also tired.”, Gwaine shot back. “I thought you were serious, when you said you want to give him some slack.”

“I DO! I just...”, Arthur covered his face with his hands. “I'm really bad at all of this.”, he gestured at Merlin, who was setting up preparations to roast some of the meat they had shot the day before. 

“Do you mean cooking, or talking to your little crush?”, Gwaine said. There was a smug, humorous grin on his face, but he knew Arthur wouldn't deny it.  
Despite Arthur's better instincts, he had asked Gwaine for advice about Merlin. Gwaine and Merlin were best friends, after all. Well.... Gwaine or Lancelot. Maybe both of them were Merlin's best friends.  
But Lancelot had trouble talking to HIS crush. Namely, Guinevere.  
No way in hell, Arthur was gonna ask HIM for advice. 

“Both?”  
Gwaine chuckled. “You could be a bit more enthusiastic in your attempts though.”

Arthur nodded, again in agreement. Then he sighed again. A lost look following his manservant's every move.  
“Gwaine, I have a problem.”

“I know. We were just talking about that.”  
“Not THAT. I mean my father.”

Gwaine leaned back and sat down next to Arthur, who was still half buried in his cot.  
“Your father is always a problem.”  
Arthur glared at him.  
Gwaine threw up both his hands in surrender. “We both know it's true. Just sayin'.”

“He arranged a ...”, Arthur took a deep breath. “Love match.”, he said and pressed his lips together. Knowing that if he kept looking at Merlin, he would have to fight with a deep pressuring sense of longing. And right now that was not something he wanted to speak with. So he looked away from Merlin. “Love is the wrong word. It has nothing to do with love.”

Gwaine leaned forwards, onto his knees. Eyes wide and pityful.  
“Shit, man. That's so fucked up.”

“It's what's expected of me. I'm the prince. I have to marry a rich princess from a rich kingdom, so my rich father becomes even richer.”

“Like I said: it's fucked up.”  
Arthur rolled his eyes at Gwaine. “I don't expect you to understand. It has to do with uniting the lands and having powerful allies in the face of enemies.  
And of course, producing an heir and shit like that.”  
Arthur felt drained just saying this.  
“You could marry Merlin, adopt a child and bring peace to all kingdoms through being the legendary king that Merlin believes you to be. I don't see a problem with that.”, Gwaine shrugged. 

“And what world do you live in that you think my father would ever allow that?”

Gwaine shrugged. “It's worth a try, isn't it?”

There was another pregnant pause between them, before Gwaine couldn't hold back his grin anymore.  
“So, you want to marry him then?”

“Fuck you!”, Arthur laughed and punched Gwaine in the side. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------

It was during breakfast, when Arthur decided it was an awesome idea to go swimming.  
Merlin cursed himself for not thinking of this.  
He would love to go swimming. He would actively, really, really enjoy it. It was a hot day, despite it being fall.  
But in his current condition, he had to watch the knights throw each other from the edge of a cliff.  
Armor abandoned in the sun. Undergarments were optional. So technically, he could join them. But Merlin knew better than to test his energy reserves on that.

So Merlin did the only thing that would relieve him from all the heat – just what he wasn't able to do until a few months ago. And only thanks to Gaius expertise and a lot of magic for help.  
Merlin had a flat chest now. And it was one of the most wonderful things in the world to look into a mirror and see what he wanted to see. Feel what felt RIGHT on him.  
He would do it again without hesitation.  
Despite the fact that Arthur had not allowed him to stay away from his duties. Granted, Arthur was unaware of Merlin's silent battle with body dysphoria, but he should have given him a day off at least. So Merlin could have healed properly.

Before that day, Merlin had risked severe injuries on his rib cage by wearing a redefined version of one of Morgana's old corsets. (Just because his old one's didn't quite fit anymore.)  
Gwen had helped him with sewing it in a way that he could wear it without actively endangering himself. Just so he could hide his chest.

Gwen and Gaius were the only two people in the world that Merlin had talked to about this.  
Gaius, because Merlin wasn't going to neglect his health more than necessary.  
And Gwen, because she could help him with more ordinary problems that most men didn't have to deal with. She was also very open minded and kind and more or less stumbled on Merlin changing in his own room.  
Too bad she wasn't here. Merlin could need some emotional support.  
He hated cramps. And the delirious mindset that sometimes came with these events. Not to mention the way he ached all over and his skin didn't feel as clean as it should and ….  
God – he hated it. His mind felt so disconnected from his body right now, he may as well be standing right next to it. 

So – Merlin excused himself from swimming – to do chores. Like usual. Even though he never really did his chores.  
“Oh come on, Merlin. You could at least take of that jacket! You're gonna burn to death!”, Arthur shouted at Merlin. 

And today – today of all days... Merlin smiled to himself to remove his scarf and his shirt and proudly show his pale, naked skin to the sun. It was a relief. One step more towards being himself. Merlin loved it. For once, he followed Arthur's unorthodox orders.  
He was still self aware, obviously. Especially, since he was being watched. But this time, he didn't have a reason to be as wary.  
Except for the scars. But they were about as pale as Merlin was. And unless he got a tan or a sunburn, they should barely be noticeable.  
It felt so good to be himself for once.

He faintly noticed how Arthur yelped and fell into the river. Obviously not expecting Merlin to actually DO this. Especially since Merlin never took of more than his jacket. He always kept at least his shirt on.  
Suddenly self conscious again, Merlin covered his chest by crossing his arms in front of it.  
It WOULD need some time getting used to. Being out in the open like this after hiding and binding his chest for so long. He forced his arms down. It was fine. He was fine. His chest was fine. Very fine, actually. 

“Arthur?”, Merlin asked, trying to ignore how Gwaine whistled at him.  
“Wow, Merlin, trying a new look?”, Gwaine asked. Merlin turned around immediately. His face even paler than before.  
“What do you mean?”, he asked. His mind was screaming at him. 'He can't see it, can he?' Unconsciously, he covered his chest once again. 'There is no shame in this.', he told himself, and for once, it actually helped a little. Because this time – his chest didn't look or feel wrong on himself. This time it felt right. And good. And HIM.  
When his chest was still bigger – he would have felt ashamed, because he felt like his body was betraying him. Lying to people. Showing them things that didn't align with his personality.

“Nothing. I'm just glad you've finally decided not to suffocate yourself to death.”, Gwaine laughed.  
“You never take off that shirt. What's the occasion?” Gwaine's eyes twinkled, while Arthur shamefully rose back to the surface.  
Completely drenched, from head to toe. He was the only one with his armor still on. He had slipped from the edge.  
Not that Merlin knew that Arthur had been watching him the entire time, completely mesmerized by his manservant and therefore lacked the ability to catch up with the others in time.  
Arthur just sputtered and tried to look at anything or anyone but Merlin. 

That was strange enough to make Merlin question... everything really.  
“I just.....”, Merlin began. And decided to drop a tiny bit of the truth. “I think I just felt confident enough for once.” He smiled.  
He hated that he wasn't telling them everything. He wasn't lying about himself. But he was hiding something. Hiding more than just his magic. And it made him sick that he feared their reaction to this little secret. Who he used to be seen as.

Gwaine clapped, and ran his hands through his own wet hair (he had been holding his breath under water in a bet against Elyan ealier.), before showing Merlin a thumbs up.  
“Proud of you, mate!”, he said. And there was no sarcasm in his tone. Just genuine pride.

Well.... even the bravest men needed help to gain some confidence sometimes.  
And it's always better to encourage people to work on their fears. To compliment their accomplishments, than tearing them down for being scared in the first place.  
Gwaine was a good man. If there was one thing he was good at, it was building people up. Making them stronger than they already were.  
So he wouldn't throw Merlin in the river. Because he finally felt save enough around them to share a little bit of vulnerability with them.

Gwaine was strength.  
But that was not what Merlin needed. Merlin was plenty strong, or else he wouldn't be here.  
What he truly needed, was courage. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

“Say, Merlin.... where did those scars come from?”  
Merlin's head snapped up to meet Lancelot's eyes. Lancelot – one of the few people Merlin trusted with a few of his secrets.  
Gwen and Lance truly were an item. Both knew one half of the secret that Merlin kept. But neither of them knew the same half. Or the full truth.  
It was kind of fantastic and ironic at the same time. 

Lancelot wasn't talking to him in private. Arthur had decided to take off his armor, because the water would definitely make it rust. Instead of joining the others to swim, he decided to help Merlin instead?  
Not that he was of much help. But Merlin appreciated it.  
The occasional cramps did slow him down a little. It was nice that Arthur decided he was at least capable enough to feed the horses. Who were bound to the trees close by.  
All while Merlin himself skinned some rabbits. 

So, yes. Lancelot wasn't alone, that didn't mean he was aware their third wheel. So Merlin nodded in Arthur's direction so Lancelot would know to be discrete and take vague answers to be enough.  
The knight had an awful habit of prying the truth out of Merlin. 

As if on cue – Arthur's head turned towards them to listen.  
Merlin sighed, unconsciously rubbing the sore and wounded skin that was still laid bare.  
“I'm afraid you have to be a little more specific.”, Merlin smiled at him. A shy smile. 

Lancelot raised an eyebrow. “I suppose I'd like to know where you got the burn from?”

Arthur was being too obvious in straining his ears. “Ah.”, Merlin let out a relieved sound of understanding and chuckled.  
Right. How could he forget? He had so many scars already – why would anyone point out the newest ones?

“You know how clumsy I am.”  
Lancelot raised an eyebrow. “It looks old. When did you get it?”  
“About the time when Arthur was scratched by the questing beast.”, Merlin nodded at him and Lancelot took a deep breath in understanding.  
“Nimueh?”, he mouthed without a sound. Finally aware of Arthur's presence.  
Merlin nodded. Lancelot knew THAT story. But Merlin had never told him about the scar. Always denied his friend to see it. He would have seen something that Merlin was trying very very hard to hide from himself. No way in hell he would let others see it for something as mundane as a simple burn. 

He'd rather burn ten times over than get those useless lumps back. 

“What about those?”, Lancelot asked and of course.... of course now he had to point THEM out.  
Merlin sighed.  
“They look rather recent. What happened?”, Lancelot looked so innocent. And Merlin would tell him, he wanted to, really. But that would mean telling him more than what he was currently comfortable sharing.  
“I should probably tell you another time.”, Merlin nodded and pointed at Arthur again.  
Sometimes that prince was a good enough excuse for everything. 

Lancelot nodded, seemingly understanding. He didn't. Not really. 

Arthur, however, looked like he wanted to ask something as well – before Leon caught him in the act and asked when they would leave again.  
Soon apparently.  
Arthur had a meeting to attend. A very important one. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------

Only Gwaine knew how frustrated Arthur must be feeling at the moment. Because he had planned this entire hunting trip to have a chance to talk to Merlin about certain feelings and the upcoming event. He had wanted to inform him. And confess – so he could at least marry his future wife after a proper rejection. Or run away together with Merlin and live on a farm. You know his options. 

All too soon, they found themselves packing their things, their prey and stuff and ride back in the direction of Camelot. 

“We will take a break here.”, Arthur held up his sign, so even the knights in the back knew they would make another pause. Even though they were out of ear shot.  
Arthur was just stalling, but the knights didn't need to know that.  
They wouldn't complain either way. 

Merlin, however, groaned. He had been so glad they would be going back. So he could take care of his little predicament in silence and without feeling as anxious as he did right now.  
Don't get him wrong. This isn't him hiding from others.  
This is him feeling embarrassed about body functions that shouldn't be a part of him. But they were. And more often than not, he felt even more like a stranger in his own body, when it happened. 

But changing and working on the parts that made him depressed and angry -  
and I mean, in the suicidal level of depressed – had helped him gain a confidence he never really had before. Top surgery had significantly helped him.  
Though it still took time getting used to showing it off to people. 

“Gwaine, can you and the knights go and collect some fruits or vegetables or something? Whatever you find should be fine. We can have a little snack then.  
Oh and maybe herbs for Gaius.”

Gwaine blinked. So did some of the other knights. Gwaine's sense of what was edible and what was deadly poisonous was about as reliable as tossing a coin. Probably worse, since Gwaine had the bad luck of loosing at fifty fifty chances. 

“Do you think that is wise, Sire?”, Lancelot asked, remembering the last time someone had to find an antidote to at least twelve different kinds of poison that Gwaine had eaten in the woods.  
By someone – he meant Merlin.  
Obviously. Merlin was the court physician's apprentice. Servants usually weren't allowed on hunts. But having a physician with you was a blessing.  
It's not Merlin's fault he was both. 

“Just go.”, Arthur hissed at Lancelot. And Lancelot – completely flabbergasted by Arthur's sudden mood swing, surrendered immediately.  
“Of course, Sire. I'll make sure he doesn't poison us then.”

Arthur, feeling guilty already, nodded. “Yes. Thank you. That is very much appreciated.”

…..

So the knights left, if still unsure what to make of Arthur's strange behavior. Especially, when Merlin started to follow them.  
“Merlin, a word.”, Arthur said. Hard to say if his voice was supposed to be stern or if he was actually trying not to crack under his own nerves. 

Merlin looked around, feeling the intense stares of the parting knights who finally seemed to understand that Arthur just wanted some privacy.  
(Would have been easier to just go for a walk with Merlin. Less obvious, you know. But Arthur is the prince. And he really likes being extra.)  
Merlin shrugged. But internally, he was beginning to panic again.  
Did he do something? Did Arthur figure something out he shouldn't?  
Merlin HAD consistently used magic to keep his abdomen in check. Maybe Arthur noticed?  
Or maybe Arthur was less oblivious then Merlin thought and he understood that neither of his scars were accidents, but battle injuries and or reminders of surgery?

Or was he like Merlin's parents and would discard him for being a man?  
Or would he think Merlin wasn't one?  
Or both.  
He really didn't want to go through THAT drama again.  
'You're just doing this for the attention!', he remembered his mom say.  
Which was quite ironic, really. Merlin wanted nothing more than to be invisible. To be himself without having to hide.  
The one who made the whole thing a fucking drama had been her.  
It was HER idea to announce to the whole kingdom what a 'disappointment' her daughter was.  
Only after Merlin left, obviously. 

'Jokes on you, mom. I can't be a disappointment AND your daughter.', he had thought, as soon as he heard the rumors in the nearest tavern.  
That was about a month after his magic had started to change his body in a way that made sense to him. His voice had dropped a little by then and he had cut his hair and refused to wear make up. So nobody had recognized him then. 

His mom was really stupid to put out wanted posters of 'her daughter in male disguise', because running away made Merlin STOP wearing a disguise. And that sort of mentality was what he radiated.  
Most people at the tavern didn't even think twice about checking whether or not he was a man.  
It had been a real freeing experience. 

“Merlin, I need to tell you something.”  
Merlin looked up. He hadn't even realized that Arthur had been fighting with himself to begin his little speech.  
That's how lost in thoughts and memories he was. 

“Okay?”, Merlin said warily. Noticing how Arthur was trembling a bit and being a little nervous wreck. 

“Can you … can you sit down please?”  
Merlin inhaled and then sighed, before he followed Arthur's request and sat down on the firm ground.  
“What is it? Spit it out.”, Merlin said. Wondering what had Arthur so agitated.  
Usually, Arthur was so certain of himself. He only ever doubted his opinion, when his mind disagreed with the lessons Uther Pendragon had taught him. 

Which meant either magic or love. 

“I … er.....”, Arthur sat down as well. He felt wobbly on his knees. And his face changed color about as randomly as some of the twirling substances in Gaius's chambers. 

“I need to talk to you about something.”

Merlin blinked. “Yeah. Okay. I'm listening?”

Arthur's grimace turned to something painful. He was searching for Merlin's eyes, but looking away as soon as he met them.  
“It's about feelings.”  
Merlin blinked. So it was a love thing then.  
Arthur licked his lips, as he realized Merlin still wasn't responding.  
“It's about MY feelings.”

“I see.”, Merlin nodded. So Arthur was still hung up about Gwen then. That Lancelot was here and fighting him close to equally in every category imaginable... like sword fighting, fighting for his love, literally anything that involved fighting really …. must be taking a toll on him.  
Arthur looked even more pained right now.  
“About my feelings for you.”, Arthur held his breath after he said this. His cheeks turning red and scared and -  
Merlin stared at him. “Huh?”, he asked. Sure he must have misheard.

And you know what – it really wasn't Merlin's fault that he had never, NEVER even considered this option.  
If truth be told, he had been so worried about his magic, about his identity, his progress as a person, his destiny, the lives of his friends and his two jobs regarding his uncle and Arthur, he had never even thought about pursuing a relationship.  
What it would entail. What it would mean. Merlin had so much on his plate already, he was too tired to think about love at all.  
Freya had been a surprise. But one that didn't last long enough to make Merlin ask the important questions. 

Right now he was staring at Arthur from a completely new perspective and it totally threw him off guard. He had understood the implications immediately. That didn't mean he was prepared for this situation.

Arthur leaned back from where he sat right in front of Merlin.  
Clearly scared out of his mind. Because Merlin was frozen in his spot, not really responding and eyes wide like Arthur had slapped him. 

“Look, Merlin. It's fine. I get it. This – this may be a bit much. All at once and stuff. But – er...  
I needed to get this out. And I know this will probably weird you out, because we're both men, but I HAD to get this out.  
I'm not expecting ANYTHING from you. I'm not going to.... to force myself on you or anything. Quite the opposite really.  
You can stop being my manservant, if that makes you uncomfortable now or something. I know you're not from Camelot and Cendred isn't as open to these things as we are, but I promise ….  
I'm not – I wouldn't....  
Look...”  
Arthur was ranting. Rambling like Merlin had kicked him, when in truth, Merlin didn't even know what to say. 

“I'm literally not expecting you to return my feelings or – or anything like that. We couldn't be any way. Because you're a servant and all in all our statuses are too different and I'm getting married soon anyway.... but -”

Merlin blinked. “Arthur. Sorry. You're rambling. Just a second....”

Arthur shut his jaw closed immediately. 

“You're getting married? To whom? When?”, Merlin said. And he could feel a sudden stab at his heart, knowing that Arthur HATED these forced marriage things. But also knew that Arthur would go through with it, because his father had planned on it. Counted on him. And Arthur didn't like disappointing his father.  
Arthur stared at him, eyes unblinking as he tried to read Merlin's expression.  
He didn't get an answer to this unspoken question though. 

“The daughter of a very powerful queen, apparently. My father doesn't like the kingdom. But if they attack us, we'd be doomed. To protect Camelot, it's important that we keep a strong alliance. Therefore, I have to get married.”, he said this slowly.

Merlin could hear his pulse in his ears. Another kingdom? Which kingdom?  
Not Cendred's. Cendred had no queen. Merlin had hidden himself in Essetir for a while (at the house of a very wonderful woman who immediately had adopted him and found a way for him to get into Camelot).  
It couldn't be Queen Anni's kingdom either. She used to have a son. But she had no daughter (that he knew of). 

Most other kingdom's were in jeopardy. Fights and wars and constant shifts in their royal linage made it impossible for Uther Pendragon to rely on them.  
So the only kingdom that was left was...  
Merlin looked away from Arthur. Arthur was going to marry one of the daughters of Mercia. The magical kingdom. 

It was quiet again. 

“Merlin, I literally just confessed to you. Can you at least look at me?”  
Arthur looked so pained. Merlin met his eyes, his own dazed with worry and anxiety.  
“Confessed?”, he asked. Because he knew what Arthur had done earlier. But.... that was probably the most subtle confession Merlin had ever received. Merlin would rather force himself to believe he imagined the entire thing. It was easier than dealing with it. 

The prince was quivering now. “Merlin, I'm serious. I-”  
Merlin stopped him. His heart felt heavy. Heavy from the secrets, the reminders of his secrets, the burdens on his back.  
“Please don't say it.”, he said and closed his eyes. 

You could almost hear how Arthur's heart shattered.  
Merlin looked up, head tilted with pain clearly visible in them. It seemingly caught Arthur off guard. 

“There are some things you don't know about me, Arthur. Hell, I haven't even come to terms with all of them myself yet. I don't -  
I've never even thought of you in that way – I -”  
'It's not you, it's me', he didn't say, because they were used so often, they had lost their sincerity.  
Merlin stopped himself and winced at his own words.  
Arthur nodded weakly and rapidly, as he bit his lips in order not to cry.  
“I understand. It's good that I got it off my chest now, before I do something stupid.”, he said and took another deep breath. 

Merlin felt his insides burn at the sight. He cared deeply about Arthur. Always had.  
He would literally die for him. Almost did on multiple occasions.  
But he had barely enough time to think about the things he needed. Let alone what he wanted.  
He wanted Arthur to stay alive. He wanted him to be happy.  
Right now he didn't seem happy. 

There was something else, Merlin noticed. He wanted to stay with Arthur. And maybe that realization wasn't much. Maybe it was just a grasp of something that was bound to confuse Merlin for a while. But he latched on to it, to answer Arthur anyway.  
“I'm not going to quit being your manservant, Arthur. Please don't throw me out. I swear, I would never make fun of you for this.”  
Arthur looked up. And now his eyes were completely filled with tears.  
“Merlin, I can't just stop feeling this way. You know this, right?”

Merlin looked at him. Truly looked at him. He knew. Oh how well he knew how hard it was to try and stop feeling a certain way.  
“Then don't.”, Merlin whispered. 

“It's going to be awkward.”  
“For you maybe.”  
“For both of us.”  
“You can't choose the way you feel, Arthur. I would never make you to force yourself otherwise. I'll always be there for you. If you'll have me. I swear it.”

They locked eyes, as Arthur let out a humorless laugh. He still looked downright depressed.  
“Don't do this.”, Arthur said and covered his eyes in his hands.  
Merlin didn't answer, his stomach ached instead.  
“Don't be nice to me, when you're rejecting me.”

Merlin wasn't rejecting Arthur. Not really. He just wasn't ready to give an answer yet. But he knew it would hurt Arthur more to be kept waiting, all while Merlin was going to force himself to feel something – anything for him. As he said earlier... there was no point in trying to control your feelings. They just happen. Or they don't.  
A painful rejection was better than use him as an experiment. Then make him hope, only to kill his hopes murderously.  
Like this, he wouldn't put either of them under pressure.

“I'm sorry.”, Merlin said and looked away. What else was he supposed to do? What could he do?  
He couldn't ADD to the lies he already kept. And he couldn't force himself through another round of pressuring himself to figure out how he felt and what he felt. That wouldn't be fair.  
Not to himself, especially not to Arthur.

“You should leave me alone.”, Arthur muttered and Merlin let his head sink.  
“Arthur.”, Merlin began, but ultimately knew that he had nothing useful to say.  
Arthur was shivering. And Merlin felt guilty.  
Arthur shook his head.  
“Arthur, please. There is nothing wrong with you being in love with me. Please don't hurt yourself over this because just because I'm -”, Merlin didn't even know how to finish this sentence.  
Arthur looked up, to see Merlin standing there looking at him. His face full of pain and hidden battles that Arthur didn't know half the stories of. But also with a level of sincerity that was yet unrivaled to anyone Arthur ever met.

“-not able to love me back?”, Arthur asked.  
And this was so unfair. Because Merlin didn't know for sure how he felt. He needed time to process all this. 'I don't know what I feel.', Merlin wanted to say. He really did. But he couldn't.  
He turned around and left Arthur alone.  
Arthur, who couldn't bear to look at him anymore.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

The ride back to Camelot was awkward. Arthur had been right. It was awkward for both of them.  
But Merlin felt sick on his horse. For multiple reasons.  
His abdomen hurt. He could barely concentrate on his magic and on top of all that, he felt guilty whenever he looked at Arthur. 

Arthur looked stumped. Rejected and unwilling to talk to anyone. Gwaine send Merlin confused glances. Merlin wasn't sure if Gwaine was mad at him – or empathetic.  
However, Merlin knew Arthur probably needed Gwaine's support more than him. 

Merlin tried to focus.  
Maybe he could still fix this?  
Maybe he could go and tell Arthur the truth? That he wasn't sure of his own feelings...  
But what then?

Then Arthur would ask: “so …. you want to try being with me then?”  
Well.... Merlin couldn't go into a relationship without telling his partner the entire truth about himself. He couldn't go into a relationship, hiding the biggest part of who he was!  
That's not how relationships work!  
A relationship is a partnership. Two people sharing who they are with each other. Supporting each other through thick and thin. 

You shouldn't be in a relationship where you cannot be yourself. You shouldn't be in a relationship, if you don't even know who you are yet. 

Merlin wasn't ready to tell Arthur. He didn't want to hold Arthur back through all his own lies that would make him slow down the entire relationship. Because he would have to put out stop signs literally everywhere.  
Arthur deserved to be loved fearlessly. 

Merlin felt sick. What if when Arthur found out about Merlin's secrets.... he would have to leave forever? What if Merlin would be rejected instead? 

Merlin shook his head. So what if he said no? What if he rejected Arthur first?  
Merlin tried to imagine it. Arthur looking pained and sad like he did now, forever. Merlin didn't want that.  
He wanted Arthur to be happy. He would do almost anything to keep Arthur happy.  
Merlin blinked. 

“Huh?”, he realized. None of these theories implied that he wanted to reject Arthur. Not at all.  
A bubbling feeling interrupted his nausea. “I don't want to reject him.”  
An unfamiliar warmth spread through his body.  
He looked at Arthur. Arthur who looked as defeated as he never was, sitting there on his horse. He looked like he hadn't slept in days. Which Merlin knew was not true.  
They slept next to each other in the woods. And Arthur always fell asleep first. Snoring the night away.  
A sound and a familiarity that Merlin found himself surprised to be used to.  
He loved the way that Arthur treated him like an equal. Saw him as a man, like Merlin's parents never did.  
He loved what they had.  
He couldn't bear to loose him. 

Looked like whatever decision he made – he was bound to loose him either way. 

\---------------------------------------------

Another week passed. And things between Arthur and Merlin didn't get better at all.  
Merlin tried his BEST.  
He brought Arthur his favorite food. Made him wear his comfort clothes. Let him sleep in. Praised him, when he fought especially well in training that day.  
But his attempts to cheer Arthur up, apparently made their entire situation worse.  
It looked like Arthur felt bad for liking Merlin.  
Like he felt sick of looking at him. Of loving him. Tired and hurt. 

It was frustrating to watch. Merlin tried to keep his distance at some point. Which was nearly impossible. Merlin had never noticed that the job of the manservant meant, that he was practically glued to Arthur's hip.  
And Arthur wanted him around for some reason. He kept calling out to him. And Merlin always rushed in to be there, before he even realized what he was doing.  
At the same time, Arthur kept looking absolutely pained and like he immediately regretted calling for him. 

And Merlin was convinced this would be their normal now. This awkward dancing around each other would tear a hole into their dynamics. Would made it worse and worse. Every day. Until one day, they would HAVE to part ways.  
Both of them suffocating from their own feelings.  
Merlin knew – like this? - he would never figure out how he felt. His guilt was clouding his mind. Making him unable to find a peaceful moment, where he could just think about what he wanted and felt. 

That was, when the Queen of Mercia arrived. Her husband – a surprisingly small and silent man, who simply radiated his status out to people to be bowed to – following close behind.  
Queen Elizabeth was the true figure of power in Mercia. Her husband didn't mind it. 

Behind them, four siblings followed as well. They walked almost in tandem. The youngest one – a boy – was the crown prince. Because, despite everything – those sexist rules hadn't changed so far.  
The crown prince was merely ten years old. And held his older sister's hand.  
Three sisters. All of them wore beautiful hand sewed dresses. Their seamstress was a legend in Mercia.  
The oldest of them was seventeen. Merely a few years younger than Merlin. 

Why Merlin compared his own age with them? You guessed it. Those were his own younger siblings. He paled, upon seeing them. The laundry basket in his hands almost spilling out.  
But he managed to catch it and hide himself immediately.  
He started breathing heavily, as the youngest girl stopped. She should be twelve by now. 

“Mom?”, she said quietly and Merlin winced. He knew that Queen Elizabeth hated it to be called mom. She wanted to be addressed formerly.  
“Elena! How many times must I tell you. It is 'your majesty' or 'my queen!'”, the Queen scolded the young girl. 

“I think Mer -”, her eyes glanced up, as she noticed her mistake. (Not a real mistake, really. But a mistake to say in front of their mother.) “I think I felt Melodie's presence just now.”

Oh, the curse of being born with magic. Especially Elena. She had a sense for people and animals. She could sense people's souls.  
Before Merlin had realized who he was, she had always unconsciously referred to him as “he”. Back then their mother had always laughed it off. Joked about it. Until eventually, she just scolded her daughter again and again for 'misgendering' her oldest daughter.  
Jokes on the queen, really.  
Elena was the one who came up with Merlin's new name. 

His brother, prince Jason, who adored Elena more than his other sister, had a lot of trouble deciding who he should listen to. Regarding Merlin's name and pronouns. 

Merlin's sister Emily, the oldest of the bunch, had argued against their parents numerous times for Merlin's sake.  
Merlin's other sister, she was fourteen now, was the one who sided with their parents. And ratted him out, when he finally came out to them.  
It were harsh times back then. Maybe Alicia had changed her opinion now. She was convinced that Merlin only 'chose to be a man', because he could inherit the kingdom then.  
That he would be the crown prince then.  
Merlin never wanted the throne. 

“You think, Melodie is here?”, Queen Elizabeth scanned the room. Basically scandalized.  
“Where is she?”

“Elena locked eyes with Merlin. Her eyes pierced his only for a second. She looked stunned by his appearance. But positively so.  
Merlin shook his head at her. Elena nodded barely noticeable.  
“I think – she just left.”

Merlin send her a thank you through the mind connection thing he learned from the druids.  
Her eyes widened, then she fought a smile.  
He walked passed them. Unnoticed, because of how well adjusted he felt in the castle. And because despite her knowledge of Merlin's magic and how he was able to use it to change his body the way he did, Queen Elizabeth was still looking for a girl among the crowd.  
Not a grown man who went through puberty twice. 

\------------------------------------------------------------

Uther was holding a banquet in honor of these royal guests.  
Don't get the wrong idea. Uther knew about the magic. And he wasn't a fan, I tell you.  
But he planned – through Arthur – to change their laws. To make them see reason.  
Uther was just too blind to realize that the royal family itself consisted of powerful magic users. 

The Queen knew that. She had the same plan through her daughter. To change Camelot's laws in favor of magic. 

Merlin found it extremely strange to stand here next to Arthur, who looked bumped and worn out and sad whenever he looked at Merlin.  
All while Merlin's parents were standing right in front of him. Looking right passed this random servant they didn't recognize as 'their daughter Melody'.  
Oh right. And Arthur was feeling very much unhappy about the prospect of marrying a princess whom he didn't even know.  
And Uther was completely unaware of each of their struggles. 

That was until Queen Elizabeth cleared her throat awkwardly, in an attempt to come clean to Uther Pendragon. “You majesty. I have come with bad news.”, she started and Uther frowned immediately. 

“Bad news?”, his mouth twitched, unsure what this meant. But guessing that the Queen was speaking of the marriage arrangements and he would be right. 

“As you know, I have promised the hand of my daughter to your son.”, she nodded at Arthur, who barely looked up. He felt resigned about the whole ordeal now. Knowing he could never have who he wanted, he didn't care whose hand was promised to whom anymore. He would respect his future queen, no matter what was going to happen. He didn't really care. That didn't make him a less decent human being. 

“A couple years ago, there was an incident.”, she began and looked a bit ill at the memory.  
King Uther took a deep breath. “You mean she is dead?”, he asked.  
But Queen Elizabeth was not here to lie.  
“No. She ran away.”, she said, her chin held high.

Merlin stared at her. His attention suddenly forced upon her every word. Arthur seemed to have noticed his change in behavior, as he send him an irritated glance. But Merlin ignored him.  
And that simple refusal to acknowledge Arthur's behavior, had Arthur sitting up, also paying attention. 

“My daughter Melodie – she uh -”, Queen Elizabeth looked awfully ashamed. Merlin clenched his fist. 

“She found out about the love match?”, Uther asked, eyebrows raised. 

“No.”, the Queen shook her head, as her husband leaned over to hold her hand in reassurance.  
The king had never spoken out against Merlin being Merlin. But he supported his wife without second questioing.  
And Merlin resented him for it. 

“She was convinced – no she decided – she'd rather be a man. And when we told her that she couldn't make that decision, she got angry and left.”, her tone was bitter. But final in her decision to tell Uther anyway. 

Uther blinked. Then opened his mouth, but closed it again. 

“I would offer your son the hand of another of my daughters. But the only one yet unmatched is Elena. And I am sorry. But I find it is too soon for her to marry your son. She is only twelve. She should at least be fourteen. If you're willing to wait that long.”  
Merlin's stomach clenched at those words.  
Arthur tried to send Merlin a mortified look, but Merlin was frozen in his spot. 

“However.”, Queen Elizabeth continued. “Elena just informed me, that she has recognized her sister somewhere in your castle.  
If you are willing to find her and aren't too worried about her conviction she could be a man – if your son doesn't mind it -  
The deal we struck could still take place. She is a runaway. She should be able to fulfill all her wifely duties.”

Merlin felt sick. The entire time....  
He tried to process it. HE was supposed to get married to Arthur? HIM?  
Or Elena? God, he couldn't do that to his baby sister. He could see Elena's eyes widening in horror at the suggestion. She send a look towards Arthur and then noticed Merlin right next to him.  
She took a deep shuddering breath. 

So did Arthur. No.... Arthur had thought he would be okay with this match before. But he couldn't – he wouldn't – Elena was a CHILD. 

“Father, I'm begging you- “, Arthur suddenly spoke up, but the queen didn't let him finish. 

“Melody may be wearing male clothes. She always loved those rash things that made her look like a boy. I believe she hasn't changed since then.”

“Mom – please don't ...”, Elena said.  
Uther's eyes looked just as irritated and put of as Arthur did.  
Uther Pendragon …. looked outright scandalized by the suggestion. Never in his life had Merlin thought he would ever side with Uther. Would sympathize with him.  
Would want to put him out of such an awkward situation.  
Because refusing this offer could mean war between the kingdoms. 

Merlin had to stop this. Slowly, he sat down the pitcher next to Arthur. 

“My daughter has been using a fake name, ever since she was a child. I fathom she would use it here as well.”, Queen Elizabeth said, her chin held up high. 

It was quiet. Arthur was staring at his father. Elena at her mom. Uther was staring at the queen. The queen back at Uther.  
There was a silent battle between them. Each of them waiting for his name to be said.  
Merlin sighed. Resigned.  
There went all his choices. 

The sigh was so loud to their silence, it made all four heads (no – the entire room was filled with silent people, but it were the only one's Merlin noticed) turn to him.  
“You can just say it, you know?”, Merlin said and the Queen eyes his choice of clothes with disgust.  
She saw a servant who spoke up, when he was supposed to be silent.  
But Merlin had already snapped the moment.  
“My name is Merlin now.”

There was another beat of silence.  
Queen Elizabeth eyes widened with realization. She was scanning him up and down. Not believing what she saw. She stumbled back, almost knocking her chair down.  
Elena gave him a pained smile.  
Arthur turned his head to him slowly. Not even looking at him, but staring at his father still, before his mind caught up with his ears and they snapped to him completely. 

Uther Pendragon tilted his head. He blinked at Merlin. And then realization seemed to hit him.  
His mouth formed a silent “Oh”. And a look of understanding washed over him.  
.  
.  
.

Wait a minute.  
Wait a god damn minute.  
What do you mean a look of understanding?  
Uther didn't understand this! Uther didn't understand anything!

Merlin felt exposed. He felt ….

“Merlin, you're a woman?”, Arthur said.  
Never – ever in his life had Merlin felt so mortified. He send a scandalized look at Arthur who stared at him, pleading for an explanation. Because obviously, he didn't catch on.  
He didn't get it.  
This is why Merlin hadn't wanted to tell him.  
He tried to answer, but his breaths came out shallow and with anger and his eyes lept over to his mother with anger.  
“I am not a woman.”, he said. Utterly distraught and irritated.  
He trusted Arthur so much. This sentence, this simple sentence felt like a betrayal. But it wasn't Arthur's fault. He wouldn't understand. 

“You're not my daughter!”, the queen said, a laugh on her lips. An unamused one.  
“Exactly.”, Merlin spat at her bitterly. 

The room broke out into murmurs.  
But Elena tucked on her mother's dress. She didn't turn around, but she would believe Elena. Elena never lied about these things.  
“It's him. I mean -”, she send Merlin an apologetic glance. “-her.”  
The queen looked outright horrified. 

“What the hell happened to you?”, she said, pointing at Merlin.  
“You don't look like Melodie. You're not a woman anymore? You defiled yourself! You were so beautiful once, what -” She would never get it. 

Uther cleared his throat. And usually Merlin would have ignored him. But something in that gesture made him curious. 

“I believe we have a small misunderstanding here.”, he said loudly into the room.  
“I must ask our royal guests to excuse us. We will continue this discussion in the throne room. In private.”

With that, Merlin, Arthur, Elena and Queen Elizabeth and her husband left the room to follow Uther into the throne room.  
The knights had stopped eating. And that was especially concerning, when you remember that one of them was Gwaine. He had even put his ale aside. 

\-------------------------------------------

The queen was tapping the ground with her shoe. Arthur stood there, trying to process what was going on. While here and there he send a glance towards Elena.  
Elena looked back at him, eyes wide.  
She was reading his soul. But Arthur didn't know that. 

Uther tapped Merlin on the shoulder. “May I speak to you?”, Uther asked gently and Merlin nodded in confusion.  
“We shall be back in a few minutes. Excuse us.”, he announced loudly and grabbed Merlin by the shoulder to lead him into the closest room next to the throne room. It was – unsurprisingly – the break room for the servants.  
And yes... Servants had breaks. Not that Merlin ever got one. 

Uther closed the door behind them and sighed. Hand on his face, like he was uncertain of how to begin this conversation.  
“I'm sorry, I must ask you this. Is it true that Queen Elizabeth is your mother?”  
Merlin looked at him. Ready to face whatever Uther was going to say. He's had these kind of conversations multiple times with people his parents thought could 'cure' him. 

Merlin nodded.  
“And you ran away?”, Uther asked.  
Merlin nodded and looked away. 

“You'd rather be a manservant than a princess.” It was less of a question, than a statement.  
“I'd rather be myself, yes.”, Merlin responded calmly. With pride in his tone.  
It was true. He'd rather be himself as a commoner, than not with all the money in the world.  
“Did Gaius help you with this?”

Merlin looked up. Met Uther's eyes. He wasn't sure how to answer that.  
Was it wise to admit to this? Was it wise to put Gaius into this position?

“Did he help you with magic?”, Uther demanded to know and Merlin froze. It was kind of implied in these kind of days, that magic needed to be used to accomplish what Merlin accomplished.  
“Did he put a curse on you?”

Merlin's eyes narrowed. And for a second, he had thought -  
“He didn't.”  
“A blessing then.”  
Merlin blinked. Uther looked serious about this.

“No. I – er. I didn't just magicked into myself over night! I'm transitioning. Still am. It's a long process. I have researched potions that have to be injected into my system with needles regulary. I had to practically invent a whole new system for this. Gaius helped me with THAT.  
He didn't use magic on me, if that's what you think.”  
'I didn't need him to. I did it myself. Worked better anyways.', he didn't say. Better Uther thought this whole thing went without magic. In the future, it would be. But they couldn't wait 1500 years, right?

Uther nodded slowly. “Are you happier now?” His frown calmed then.  
Merlin stared at the magic hating king in confusion. “Absolutely.”  
“You don't regret it?”, Uther asked. “Especially now that your mother is here?”  
Merlin laughed. “Not even for a second.”

Uther sighed in relief. But also dread.  
“That means you can't marry Arthur, I suppose.”  
He looked downright disappointed. Merlin's eyes widened. He had not expected this conversation to turn out like this. 

“Er -”, Merlin intelligently let out. 

Uther sighed. “Your mother won't accept you as her son. Which means, you are no royal as yourself. Queen Elizabeth would never accept it. I can't marry a commoner to my son.  
And I can't expect you to go and pretend to be a girl for the rest of your life.  
And I can't marry a twelve year old to my son either!  
You have no idea how important this union is to my kingdom!”  
Uther turned around and paced the room. 

Merlin blinked rapidly. Not at all picking up to Uther's thought process.  
“Wait – your majesty. I'm sorry. This – me -”, Merlin pointed at himself.  
“Is of no matter to you?”

Uther stopped and shook his head with a smile. “My boy. I am many things, but I'm not blind. Arthur doesn't care about the gender of his partners. He's always been a love sick fool.  
Of course an heir is important.  
But I'm not an idiot. You know how Arthur was born. You know what I needed to do to even have a son. And I am grateful to you that you kept my secret.  
Not every woman is able to conceive a child. One can find a way around that.  
What Arthur HAS to do, however, is marrying someone of royal status.  
And you cannot imagine the amounts of options I have with Arthur, since he has no preferences of gender! It's fantastic.  
Or would be – if I didn't NEED this alliance!”, Uther sighed in frustration.  
“So, no. It's of no matter to me that you're a man. But it is that being a man makes you less of a royal. So THAT'S a problem.”

“And how does Arthur's preferences matter, when he has to marry a royal anyway?”, Merlin was confused now. “What if he likes a servant? What then? That WOULD be a preference!”

Uther shook his head at Merlin. “I am hoping to find a match for him, like my father did for me. I didn't love Ygraine at first. But I fell in love with her over time.  
I don't want Arthur to be unhappy! But I also must do what is best for the kingdom. There are sacrifices I HAVE to make. But there are some that aren't necessary.  
I am trying to avoid those. That doesn't mean the whole set up would be ideal.”  
Uther sighed into his hands. AGAIN.  
“Why are these things always so complicated?”, he muttered. “I thought it would be easier with Arthur.”

Merlin nodded. “Arthur isn't the problem. My mother is.”  
Uther silently agreed. 

\--------------------------------------------------

Arthur sat in the corner of the room, where he was supposed to be waiting.  
He didn't really understand what's going on.  
After everything the queen said – Merlin was supposed to be a woman?  
Merlin was royal?  
Merlin was his fiance? 

He wasn't sure how to feel about this. Because the queen had said one thing. But the moment Arthur had asked Merlin if he was a woman, the look he received was drenched in betrayal, dread, fear and disappointment.  
Arthur may as well have punched his best friend.  
Merlin had never given Arthur any reason to question his gender.  
Arthur didn't understand why he was supposed to now. He didn't understand what this queen wanted.  
Merlin wasn't someone who lied about these things. Merlin didn't hate or look down on women. Why would he pretend to be a man, when he was constantly lecturing Arthur about the fact that women could fight too?  
When he told Arthur to listen to Morgana more. To treat Gwen better. And not look down on her, just because she was a servant.  
In fact – Merlin complained about the knights sometimes. That they were 'too rough' on each other. Yet, he didn't mind it, when they treated him just as 'brutally'.  
Though Merlin did tend to bruise earlier than they did, when Arthur punched them in the arm. 

But now that he thought about it – Merlin had always seemed like he was hiding something.  
It wasn't that he was hiding himself. No. It was that he was hiding private things.  
Knights didn't mind bathing together.  
Merlin did.  
He didn't like to be seen naked. Was that why he was always fully clothed, no matter where they went? Because he was actually a wo -  
Arthur paused. Wait no. This wasn't quite true.  
Just on their last hunt, Merlin had put of his shirt. Back then Arthur had thought he was hiding the scars. The burn. The thin lines under -  
Arthur looked up. As he connected what those lines came from.  
Merlin underwent surgery?

So that's – How had Arthur been so stupid? Merlin wasn't hiding his scars. He was hiding a body he didn't feel comfortable in.  
THAT's what it was. Of course. He face palmed. And tried not to laugh about how stupid he felt. 

' “There are some things you don't know about me, Arthur. Hell, I haven't even come to terms with all of them myself yet. I don't -  
I've never even thought of you in that way – I -”  
'It's not you, it's me', he didn't say.'

That's what Merlin had told him. That's why -  
Merlin had been afraid of Arthur's reaction. About finding out about – about what exactly?  
His journey?  
His past?

Arthur thought back to what he said to Merlin. He had asked him, if he was a woman.  
Yeah..... THAT's what Merlin had been afraid of.  
Oh and then there were all those times, when Arthur had said: “Don't be such a girl, Merlin.”  
Arthur could literally kick the wall. He had BLOWN it.  
He had disrespected the man he loved. He had questioned something that he had no reason to question. 

He felt so stupid.

No wonder Merlin had been unwilling to be with him.  
He noticed Elena walking over to him, sitting down. She smiled at him and pet him on the arm.  
How horrifying was it to think that her mother wanted to marry her off to a man more than ten years older than her?  
She was a child. 

“Merlin seems to like you.”, she said and startled Arthur out of his thoughts.  
“What?”, he asked and his heart started to beat harder, like his life depended on it. Did she have to rekindle that useless flame of hope that he was just managing to put out again?  
“I don't think he's realized it yet. But he likes you a lot.”, she nodded surely.  
Arthur looked at her, completely desperate for that little affirmation that maybe he was still allowed to hope.  
“You think so?”, he asked. 

“You should tell him that you accept him.”, Elena said with a smile.  
“That our mom is wrong about him. That you know he is a man no matter what. That you don't mind his magic and all that. You should tell him that. He'll come around then.”

Arthur stared. His hopes rising. Until he realized that she said... “Magic?”  
Elena smiled.  
“It's funny, you know?”, she said, while Arthur was having a mild panic attack.  
“There is a sorcerer destined to be by your side. You are the once and future king, Arthur. I can sense it. And the warlock destined to help you achieve peace and unity through all the kingdom's is called Emrys.  
The druids said he would be born within the royal family of Mercia.  
My parents have been searching for him.  
They searched everywhere. Questioned and tested everyone they thought would be a match. Neither of them ever considered that maybe, Merlin was Emrys.  
They didn't think that Melodie was a man at all.  
They didn't believe him. They didn't believe me.  
But Merlin is Emrys.”

Arthur stared at her. Eyes wide. There was – a lot he had to process. 

But he didn't have time for that, because Uther chose that exact moment to come back to the throne room. Merlin was walking right behind him. Stunned by whatever Uther and him had been talking about. 

“I need you all to sit down.”, Uther demanded and pointed to the chairs that a few servants had brought in earlier. Arthur and Elena shared a look, before they followed his request.  
Queen Elizabeth hesitated, but then sat down next to her husband.  
Uther and Merlin stood in front of them. Merlin a few steps behind Uther. Where a servant was supposed to stand. 

“I want you to look at this portrait.”  
He clapped his hands and soon two servants entered the room as well. Heaving a heavy portrait with them.  
It was a portrait of two people. Uther and his wife, Ygraine.  
The servants leaned the portrait against the wall and then left the room once more. 

“What do you see?”, Uther asked. And the queen sighed annoyed.  
As nobody answered, Uther simply continued. He waved at Merlin. Surprising the man that he had to sit down as well. 

“This is my wife, Ygraine. She died when Arthur was born. She gave birth to him.  
She was – is the love of my life. Would you ever doubt she was a woman?”

The queen scoffed. Then she shook her head. “Of course not.”, she said.  
“But Melodie -”

“This isn't about Merlin. This is about Ygraine.”, Uther interrupted her. Elizabeth shut up. (What a mood, honestly.)  
Arthur stared at his father. He didn't know what he was expecting of his father.  
Recognizing Merlin for who he was – wasn't it. 

“As you may know – the castle has been attacked by magic many many years.  
There are multiple reasons for why it is banned in Camelot.  
I want to tell you the story of how I met my wife.”

It was quiet. All eyes glued to the king who smiled at the picture of his wife sadly. 

“It was an arranged marriage. As you know. We didn't get along well. The marriage planned took weeks to set up.  
And Ygraine and I had been fighting over the arrangements the entire time. My father didn't care. He said, we'd grow to love each other eventually.  
He was right, to my own chagrin. But … that's not the point. 

It was the day before our marriage. When a sorcerer attacked us. I admit, it was supposed to be a prank. The sorcerer wasn't very practiced. He thought it was funny.  
He cursed my wife to become a man.”

Merlin sat up, suddenly very interested. So did Arthur. Neither of them had ever heard of this story. And Queen Elizabeth sat there absolutely shocked.  
“But – you found a cure.”, she said, pointing at the picture. “She gave birth to your son!”

Uther nodded.  
“Yes. But we didn't find one that day. Nor did we the next. Nor for over three years.”

The room was even more quiet now. It felt cold somehow. 

“And I must admit – my father wasn't eager to keep the marriage going. But the marriage was arranged. And stopping our marriage would mean loosing half his knights. Half his kingdom.  
So I had to marry Ygraine anyway. There was no way around it.  
So we hurried with the arrangements, so we'd have enough time to find a cure.  
We fought even more then. Because the entire kingdom thought we were a joke.  
That my wife was a joke. 

The first three weeks, I thought it was funny, to be honest. I knew we'd find a cure. My best physician and my fathers most trusted advisors were working on finding one.  
I thought it would take a few weeks max.  
After four weeks, I realized that they were running in circles.  
After five weeks, I knew it could take forever until they would find just a clue. 

It was worse for Ygraine. She already hated me. Now she was being told she wasn't good enough for me. That she stained my reputation as future king. Because she couldn't conceive. She couldn't be what I wanted, since I had agreed to marry a wife, not a husband. 

After three months, the joke became utter torture. For her more than for me.  
We fought even more than ever before. She couldn't stand the sight of herself. At one point she started shattering all the mirrors in the castle.  
Until she admitted to me that she regretted it. Because every shard she found was still reflecting to her what she saw.  
She didn't see herself in the mirror. She felt sick. She actually fell sick.  
She stopped eating. She stopped taking care of herself. She stopped looking me in the eyes. 

She always hated that we had to pretend to be a couple. And kissing me wasn't exactly something she was comfortable with anyway. But we reached a point, where she felt disgusted by every single form of affection. No matter if pretense or not. 

She didn't sleep much. And I often found her awake in the morning, after she had stared at the wall all night.  
She started avoiding me. She hated being looked at. She hated it, when people referred to her as a man.”

Queen Elizabeth stared at him. She looked like she wanted to say something. 

“So I stopped doing that.”, Uther said. And there was regret in his voice. Regret, that he had to admit that he had made his wife suffer so much.  
“You wouldn't believe how that changed her.”, Uther tilted his head.  
“You can't imagine how awful she felt, when I admitted to her that I didn't know when the curse would be broken.  
That I couldn't say, if she would ever look like herself ever again.  
This wasn't a joke anymore.  
And I didn't want her to feel like she owed anything to me. Because the curse wasn't about me. I wasn't cursed. She was. And people needed to stop thinking she had failed them. That she had failed me. When she didn't have a choice in this.  
She wasn't a man, just because she looked like one. So I started treating her accordingly.  
I cared for her, like a husband should. Because as her husband – that was my job. 

The first time she looked into a mirror again, she told me that it made her sick to think that this was supposed to be her.  
She said, she looked too much like a man. Her parents said she looked too much like a man. The people she cared about thought she WAS a man now.  
Her mother told her she was a disappointment, because she couldn't bare them grandchildren anymore.  
It was sickening, because I knew Ygraine wanted children as much as I did.  
But to be told that she wasn't worth much as a person because of it, it was horrible. 

I tried to help as much as possible. But I cannot imagine what it must be like to be so disconnected from yourself. This wasn't even about children. This was about her being herself. And nobody respected that.  
When we finally found a cure and she became herself again, she told me she loved me for the very first time.”

Uther smiled at the last part. The memory.  
“I had told her I loved her the first time, after she punched a man in the face for laughing about her state. She had still been cursed back then.  
She said she had loved me for a while, because I was the only one who hadn't changed what they thought of her. Or how they acted around her. I had been the same asshole I was before she got cursed. I didn't see her any different. I just had more reason to tease her. And she appreciated that. She said she felt less dysphoric around me.”

It was silent after Uther finished. Until Queen Elizabeth stood up and faced the king. Who was a bit smaller than her. 

“That sounds sweet and all.”, she said and crossed her arms. “But Ygraine was cursed. She was cursed in a way that made it impossible for her to reach the expectations her family had of her.  
Melodie, chose this. She chose to be cursed! She is rebelling against me. God knows what I ever did to her!”

Uther looked at her in utter confusion. Couldn't she understand?  
“Has it ever occurred to you -”, he began slowly and didn't let her scoff irritate him anymore than her usual behavior already did. 

“That maybe he was cursed before he was born?”

The Queen laughed for a moment. Then she stopped. And for the first time ever – she was considering.  
Merlin stood up. 

“Curses can be broken.”, she said and shook her head. But she didn't sound so sure anymore. Like she was beginning to understand. Or at least – she was beginning to try.  
“Ygraine had been a woman long before she was cursed. She grew up a woman. She knew who she was.”

“Then try to imagine what it must be like, not knowing who you are yet and still growing up cursed. When nobody believes you. And everybody tells you you're wrong about yourself.  
Try imagining that. You never let him try to break the curse. So he did on his own. You can see the result of that. Why are you disappointed?  
You're not the one who was cursed.”

“He – She -”, Elizabeth stumbled over her words. “- Melodie was not cursed! I would have known! I -”  
“How would you know? It could have been in the meals. It could have been destiny. Who knows? Look at him.”, Uther said and forced her to look at Merlin.  
Merlin had tears in his eyes. 

“Why would he fake this?”, Uther asked. The Queen send Uther a disbelieving glance.  
“Because he wants the throne?”, she asked and clenched her teeth, as she realized that she had used Merlin's preferred pronouns. She didn't 'correct' herself though. 

“He ran away from home. He left your kingdom to work as a servant. And as the physician's apprentice. So he would be educated enough to break the curse on his own.”

“Attention.”, the Queen said, but her argument was even weaker than the first.  
“We didn't know about it, until you came in here and demanded to see your daughter. You're the one who brought attention to it.  
Only my son knew you were coming. Merlin couldn't have planned for this. And he didn't speak up, until you were already about to tell us his preferred name.”

She shook her head, looking at Merlin with the same sorrowful eyes. It was the first time Merlin was able to see eye to eye with her. 

“But -”, she said, her breath hitching in her throat. “I can't accept him as my son. I can't make him crown prince. And I can't marry him of, because what kind of prince would ever -”, she waved at Merlin. Merlin, who's eyes were watering, simply because she said 'him'.  
“-accept him for who … he ….. is?”, she said, looking questioningly at Merlin.  
She didn't say 'love him', because they all knew arranged marriages weren't about love. 

“I would.”, Arthur said quietly. And immediately all attention shifted back to him. Somehow, Merlin had forgotten he was here. He had been too focused on his mom learning to accept him and Uther actively fighting for him.  
Only now did he realize why Uther was doing this. Of course – marrying Merlin to Arthur would help both their kingdoms somehow. 

Arthur's eyes widened, as he saw Merlin's reaction.  
“That is – I WOULD. Just saying. Many people would. You have options –Probably too many, I think. I mean -”

Merlin stared at Arthur, who was still fidgeting his his hands. It was the first time since the confession in the woods, that Arthur looked into Merlin's eyes. Completely and fully vulnerable.  
He was still in love with Merlin.  
He had heard the entire story. All about it. He could – for the first time ever – see Merlin for who he was. For all of his secrets. That he was royal. That he had magic.  
Why he felt so hesitant to share his story. 

But he didn't want to force Merlin into this. Merlin had rejected him once. He didn't think he could do it again. 

And Merlin? Merlin felt just as vulnerable. Just as exposed. Elena smiled at Merlin and winked. 'I told him you're Emrys.', she send him through their mind connection. She learned fast, apparently.  
Merlin looked at her surprised them.  
Then back at Arthur. 

“So – the marriage is still on then?”, Queen Elizabeth said mildly shocked at this turn of events.  
Uther clapped her on the shoulder. “I suppose it is.”, he said. 

Arthur stared at his father bewildered. Queen Elizabeth noted, but said nothing. She looked kind of relieved. But also very exhausted. This was a lot of information and understanding dropped on her shoulders.  
“Melo -”, she stopped herself and shook her head. “I will need to get used to this. Merlin.”, she said and Merlin turned to her.  
“Let's discuss everything after dinner tonight. I will rest in my chambers until then.”

Merlin nodded. Of course. A broken relationship didn't just heal over night. They would have a lot to discuss. And Merlin would have a lot to forgive. He wasn't sure if he was solely doing this for her. Or his siblings. Or Arthur maybe.  
But he was doing this for himself. So he could be with the people he loved. 

“Arthur? Can we go to your room? I would like to talk to you.”, Merlin finally said. And it was quiet between all of them again.  
Arthur just looked at him. Unsure whether or not to feel guilty. After all, he had more or less forced Merlin into a marriage just now. 

\------------------------------

When Merlin and Arthur finally found themselves in Arthur's chambers, Merlin closed the door behind them shut.  
Arthur gulped. Not sure what was about to come. What Merlin was about to say.  
Merlin turned back to him. He could see how uncertain Arthur was.  
So Merlin faced him, head on. And walked towards in in fast strides. Arthur's eyes widened, but he didn't walk backwards, when Merlin stopped in front of him.  
His heart fluttering wildly in his chest for how close they were. 

“Merlin?”, Arthur stood a bit more straight in his posture. How strange was it that Merlin was actually a bit taller than him, when he wasn't slouching?  
Merlin grinned. “That's my name.”, he said.  
“Yes. And it suits you perfectly.”

There was a glint in Merlin's eyes. A happy flash of something Arthur could barely recognize. 

“Do you still love me?”, Merlin asked.  
Arthur's smile twitched. “Let me see.”, he said, looking comically serious. “You have lied to me. For years. Since we met, to be precise.”  
Merlin's grin fell.  
Arthur continued. “You're a noble, Merlin. And you can't even wield a sword. How ridiculous is that?”

Merlin laughed in relief. It was short, but with so much emotion, Arthur couldn't even continue his joke about Merlin having magic and saved his life and made Arthur believe he was incompetent.  
Because Merlin still looked uncertain. This was not the time to joke about these things.

Arthur looked at him. Really looked at him. Not for a second hiding the fondness in his eyes anymore.  
“Yes.”, he said absolutely mesmerized. “Absolutely.”

And then, as if Merlin didn't have anything better to do, like, you know – talk about the marriage thing. The magic thing. Or everything else that just happened....

A warm body pressed against Arthur's chest. Two hands cupping his face while something warm and inviting occupied his mouth.  
Arthur startled immediately, his hands uselessly reaching up in order to shove Merlin away. But he couldn't bring himself to do that.  
Instead he pressed him closer to himself. Practically melting into his fiance.  
His fiance. What a wonderful thing to say.  
To think. To know, really. 

Needless to say, Gwaine had to choose this exact moment to bust open the door.  
“PRINCESS!”, he yelled into the room, startling Merlin and Arthur only half apart.  
Gwaine stood there, ready to throw over the table.  
“What does Uther mean, you're getting married to Merlin? WHY THE FUCK WERE YOU COMPLAINING?!?!?!”

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, you can still hate Merlin's mom.  
> Their relationship will be strained forever.  
> But they all got what they wanted in the end.  
> (Thank god. Poor Elena. Why did I threaten her with that? She's so pure. And tiny. Protect at all cost!!!)


End file.
